I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
