I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
