The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
