I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
