I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
