I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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