I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
