My Higher Power is John Stamos
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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