whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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