Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
