Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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