i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
