Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Who died my cat blue again?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
