And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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