Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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