so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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