Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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