Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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