3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
