I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
