i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
