i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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