just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
