Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
