If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
