I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
