....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
