In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
