someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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