Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
