theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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