You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
