You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
