the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
