so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
