Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
