Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She swung at the pinata with crutches
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
