fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
