I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
