i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
