I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
