You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
