I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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