It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
