I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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