Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
