i think my tv is drunk
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
