I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
