dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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