Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
