I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
