Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
